The Day of Frustration

June 2, 2008 (Monday)

Frustration was the key emotion of my day today. I woke up feeling really tired – I didn’t sleep well last night and then when I got to the orphanage the first person that came to visit me was Sera. He walked in with a baby in his arms, and then he grabbed my hand in front of everyone. I pulled it away. That is so awkward! I tried to be nice about pulling it away, but that is not okay to do in front of people - especially at the orphanage. Then he proceeded to say that he was sorry for asking if he could kiss me on Saturday. He said he didn’t want me to give me the wrong impression of what his intentions were. Then he also said sorry for telling me the way he felt about me. Once again I just acted awkwardly by doing nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I said I had to go play with the kids, and he said he would talk to me later.

Then when I was playing with my kids I got even more frustrated because the workers kept telling me to put the kids on the mat. I have been working with Maria on scooting across the floor and throwing the ball back and forth. Those mats are tiny. She couldn’t go anywhere if she was restricted to the mat. How am I supposed to help teach them how to crawl, walk, scoot if they have to stay on a little mat. So frustrating! Ahhh! Then they wouldn’t let us take the kids outside and it was gorgeous today. It has been beautiful for the last couple of days and they still don’t let us! WHY?! (There is no answer!)

Then to continue feelings of frustration they pulled Andrei away from me after holding him for about a minute and forced him to go to bed. He was asleep the entire time so I didn’t get to work with him. I was looking forward to playing with him so much! So sad…I haven’t gotten to play with him much for the past couple days. Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating.

Then while I was working with Iulia Sera’s friend Florine came into the room. I just thought “oh great if Sera comes in he is going to be annoyed if he finds him talking to me.” Florine never comes to our room, but he sat down next to where I was working and made small talk with me. None of the other girls were in the room. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be flirtatious or just being nice. He asked me how my weekend was and simple things like that. Florine is a sweetheart, really shy and very good looking. Luckily he is completely harmless. I was surprised when he came into the room to say hi because he is so shy. When he got up to leave he acted like he wanted to ask me something. He acted awkwardly like the way a guy gets when he wants to ask for your phone number or ask you out on a date. I wonder if Sera was trying to get him to find out what I thought about him – but I don’t think so. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid. He was probably just being friendly. I just don’t need any more drama with boys. I’m here for the kiddos, and all boys will remain my friend.

As we got ready to leave the orphanage MacKenzie and Mindy came bouncing in with “I don’t think you have to worry about Sera anymore.” Apparently after he came to visit me he was chatting with them about me and he said, “I talked with Whitney on Saturday (they were like no duh) and told her how I felt about her. She said nothing – so I will leave her alone now.” For some reason I felt like a jerk even though I shouldn’t. He barely knew me. He couldn’t like me.

When we walked out of the orphanage today I was oh so glad to get out of there, but the rest of the day didn’t get much better. On the way to the hospital Annie, Whitney Scott, Elyse and I almost got hit by an ambulance. We were walking across the street – there were a few second left on the green sign– then all of a sudden a ambulance was coming full throttle at us. We all booked it across. I don’t think my legs have ever gone so fast…Drivers are CRAZY here!
Then I was really looking forward to going to the hospital and seeing Alex. I brought some clay for him and I to play with. To my dismay, I turned the corner expecting to see his bright blue eyes and his smiling face and his bed was all cleared. Apparently he was dismissed. He was gone, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I wanted to sit down right there, cry and say “I give up for today!” I was so sad. It surprised me how sad I was. I wasn’t expecting him to be gone – the thought hadn’t even passed through my mind. I have visited Alex almost everyday for the past couple of weeks. He has been my little joy. His friend Florine could tell I was sad – he pulled out a book that I had left with Alex over the weekend and handed it to me. Inside was a note from Alex with his phone number. Florine said Alex was sad too when he left – that made me feel a little better. I talked with Kenz about it and we are going to try and get the missionaries to translate what we wanted to say to him so we could call and tell him goodbye. I want to make sure he knows that we care enough to call and tell him goodbye and that we miss and love him. I’m so sad he is gone – but glad that he doesn’t have to be in a hospital by himself. Hopefully he is at home with his grandma, and she is taking good care of him. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

After the hospital I desperately needed some alone time. I came home, put head phones in and wrote in my journal. I said a prayer as well to help me know how to handle various situations that were going on in my life. I didn’t want to be agitated and frustrated. Plus I wanted everything to work out the way it is supposed to. I’m really edgy today! Grrr….

After dinner we went to FHE. On the way to FHE Annie almost got hit by a bus. We were all walking and Annie was on the end toward the road. This bus had plenty of room and it practically took her out. It literally missed her by a few inches. Our hearts were all beating a hundred miles an hour. The bus honked and the driver was a complete jerk. Who knows what his deal was…RUDE! Hopefully the theme of the day – death by cars – won’t continue.
We walked into FHE really late, because dinner took longer than expected. We played a classic game of “Do You Love Your Neighbor?” It was a pretty vicious game. Several of us got our chairs knocked out from underneath us. It was a good time though. We were all laughing by the end. Kenz and I were cracking up because we kept running into each other. Her chair fell completely over at one point. I was laughing so hard. She had practically knocked me across the room when she went diving for a chair earlier…so I had a good time rubbing in that she had fallen over in the chair. It was all in good fun.

Tomorrow is Melissa’s birthday so we decided to go do a little shopping. She loves dogs so we got her a little dog stuffed animal and some chocolate to go with it. Then we also got the items needed in order to make a cake. I think we’re all going to go out to dinner tomorrow night. Good fun!